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__________, who I am not allowed to mention in this column, and whose name above and personal details below are definitely going to be redacted like the taxpayer-charged urine-themed porn allocation of the Shadow Minister for Agriculture, has personally appointed himself to the ________________ at the enormous end-of-year campus event _____.
This esteemed newspaper has had dealings with __________ before. He threatened us with _______________ for stealing his milk - in all seriousness - and promised to ___ if we ever mentioned him again, in any context, founded or unfounded, on the grounds of harassment. This was especially ironic as we were at the time working on a story about him ________ his __________.
It is troubling that he is in charge of _______ at this event, because he hates students. He hates us. He once shouted at me for driving the wrong way around the Vanbrugh pick-up centre, and his motorcycle helmet framed his head so neatly and so ridiculously that I bit all the way through my ___ in order to stop myself from _________ ___________ ________ _____ _______. I was going clockwise, for God's sake. The world will not fucking end.
But I digress. ___ is going to be awesome, there's no doubt. But with this guy wandering around with his _____ _________ ______ and his _____ taking _____ ______ at students and arresting anyone who does anything clockwise - what does he have against clocks? - there could be trouble.
Let's be clear. This is a guy with the ____________ __________ ______ _________ to kill us all. And he might. This is something for us all to take seriously. What if, at the wrong moment, tragically, unforgivably as far as Mr. _______ is concerned, a first-year, exhausted by their year of _______ and diligent ______, dances innocently in the brightly lit centre of _______ Bar. She spins to her left, no problem. She spins to her right - clockwise - and ____! A massive ordinance shell lands in the middle of the dancefloor, blowing her and everyone around her to smithereens.
That's just the beginning. __________ is also, as this newspaper is extremely well-aware, trying to get all the ________ fired as well. Why? They're so important, rescuing ________ _________ naked _____ ________ __________ or even inside them, _______ ___________ _____ ______ ________ _________ ______ _________ _____ ______ ___ ________ at home. Why would __________ want them all to be eaten by bears? Nobody knows. Perhaps, as a young child, he was bullied by another child who eventually became a _______.
But surely, even if this was the case, there is no need for this ___'s level of brutality. He once took a __________ ___________, opened it up, took out the _____ _____ ______ __________ which the delicate dish originally contained, and replaced it with ____ _____ ____ _______ ______ ______ ______, which ____ ______ had hunted down on all fours and brutally slain with his teeth.