The Last Word Comment

This one is definitely going to be censored

__________, who I am not allowed to mention in this column has personally appointed himself to the ________________ at the enormous end-of-year campus event _____.

Archive This article is from our archive and might not display correctly. Download PDF
__________, who I am not allowed to mention in this column, and whose name above and personal details below are definitely going to be redacted like the taxpayer-charged urine-themed porn allocation of the Shadow Minister for Agriculture, has personally appointed himself to the ________________ at the enormous end-of-year campus event _____.

This esteemed newspaper has had dealings with __________ before. He threatened us with _______________ for stealing his milk - in all seriousness - and promised to ___ if we ever mentioned him again, in any context, founded or unfounded, on the grounds of harassment. This was especially ironic as we were at the time working on a story about him ________ his __________.

It is troubling that he is in charge of _______ at this event, because he hates students. He hates us. He once shouted at me for driving the wrong way around the Vanbrugh pick-up centre, and his motorcycle helmet framed his head so neatly and so ridiculously that I bit all the way through my ___ in order to stop myself from _________ ___________ ________ _____ _______. I was going clockwise, for God's sake. The world will not fucking end.

But I digress. ___ is going to be awesome, there's no doubt. But with this guy wandering around with his _____ _________ ______ and his _____ taking _____ ______ at students and arresting anyone who does anything clockwise - what does he have against clocks? - there could be trouble.

Let's be clear. This is a guy with the ____________ __________ ______ _________ to kill us all. And he might. This is something for us all to take seriously. What if, at the wrong moment, tragically, unforgivably as far as Mr. _______ is concerned, a first-year, exhausted by their year of _______ and diligent ______, dances innocently in the brightly lit centre of _______ Bar. She spins to her left, no problem. She spins to her right - clockwise - and ____! A massive ordinance shell lands in the middle of the dancefloor, blowing her and everyone around her to smithereens.

That's just the beginning. __________ is also, as this newspaper is extremely well-aware, trying to get all the ________ fired as well. Why? They're so important, rescuing ________ _________ naked _____ ________ __________ or even inside them, _______ ___________ _____ ______ ________ _________ ______ _________ _____ ______ ___ ________ at home. Why would __________ want them all to be eaten by bears? Nobody knows. Perhaps, as a young child, he was bullied by another child who eventually became a _______.

But surely, even if this was the case, there is no need for this ___'s level of brutality. He once took a __________ ___________, opened it up, took out the _____ _____ ______ __________ which the delicate dish originally contained, and replaced it with ____ _____ ____ _______ ______ ______ ______, which ____ ______ had hunted down on all fours and brutally slain with his teeth.

You Might Also Like...

2 Comment

sammy Posted on Saturday 11 Jul 2020

How unfunnny (again)

Reply

In opposition Posted on Saturday 11 Jul 2020

I must differ with Sammy, thoroughly witty. We will miss you Mr Woolf.

Reply

Leave a comment

Your name from your Google account will be published alongside the comment, and your name, email address and IP address will be stored in our database to help us combat spam. Comments from outside the university require moderator approval to reduce spam, but Nouse accepts no responsibility for reviewing content comments on our site

Disclaimer: this page is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.